Friday, June 27, 2008

Fear of...

What are you afraid of? Bees? Snakes? Heights? Confined spaces? Rejection? Disappointment? Failure?

My Manly Man (I just found out he doesn't like "hubby" or "big boy"...sorry babe, I love you!) and I have both been dealing with a sense of failure in the recent past, for a lot of different reasons. I feel like I let him down when the house isn't clean or laundry isn't done, or I don't cook a good enough dinner (or dinner at all for that matter). Now, Manly Man never complains! I am truly blessed with a wonderful husband who doesn't get upset over the aforementioned things. I feel like I let my boys down when I don't play with them. I love my boys and wouldn't trade them for anything (most days...some days I would trade them for an hour of quiet and a skinny iced mocha), but I don't "play" well with them. I just don't love race cars or trains the way they do. Or guns. I feel like I let my friends down for not keeping in better touch. I feel like I let the Lord down for not sitting at His feet more consistently.

I also feel, recently, like I am gun shy to commit to anything. Why you might ask? Because I am afraid that I will fail at it. Am I alone in this? I so desperately want to not ever feel this way again. I don't want to pass this on to my kids. I don't want to be afraid to try. I remember my dad would always tell me "Can't never could."

So, where is all of this coming from? What is the point that I am trying to make? Here goes...

Anyone else familiar with those "last ten pounds?" You know, the ones that won't go away after baby. Maybe they all went away after baby one. Maybe not. Mine did, when I got pregnant with baby two and started back to work. Baby two's last ten, nope. They won't leave.

My story is one that is really hard to explain. Most people don't understand it. Most people just don't get it or just don't believe me. I will simplify it to this...I want to be healthy for the Lord. If those last ten pounds never leave my body, then so be it. I just want to be healthy! My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I want to honor God with my body, just as the Bible exhorts me to. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. It isn't healthy now. (I won't go into detail here.) I want to "eat to live." I don't. I think this is hard for a majority of be happy with themselves. I think a lot of stay at home moms have "issues" with food. I didn't have any problems until I became a stay at home mom and did ALL the shopping and had "tons" of time on my hands.

When Manly Man and I got married, I gained the "marriage weight," kind of like the Freshman Fifteen! Remember that? I lost it through Weight Watchers. It is a wonderful program, because it allows you to eat whatever you want, in moderation. That is the problem...they stress the healthy part, but you don't have to do it to get the weight gone...just lower your calories (watching your points). Because I truly long to be healthy, I have had a hard time going back to the program. I find myself just eating junk, and then falling off the "wagon", and not wanting to get back on. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"? Have you not ever eaten!

I am scared to to accountable for the needed weight loss. I am scared to fess up to what I eat. I am scared to be honest for people. I am afraid they won't like me or will will not want to be my friend. It is that failure thing.

So, I am venturing out, because I don't know what else to do. I am asking you who read this blog to please leave a comment if you have any encouragement or want to offer some sort of advice, without being critical. I want to do it the "right" way. The healthy way.


Heather said...

no advice for you unfortunately because I have the SAME struggle as you. mine is a long story too...that started AFTER i lost all my weight. i'll pray for you...please pray for me. it's an addiction that no one believes or understands b/c we don't look like the 'typical' overeaters.
ps i think you are so brave to post this!!

Nan said...

Addiction is the key word. (Most people don't think there is such a thing.) Only, I can't give up food the way an alcoholic has to give up alcohol or a heroin addict has to give up heroin. You can't live without food! Thanks for understanding. I will be praying for you.

Caroline said...

You need to quit reading my journal and sharing it with everyone. Seriously, the fear of failure part was what I just wrote about a couple days ago. You know me, always struggled with eating and my body image. I don't want to be 40 and saying the same thing. I want to be free from this. I am back on the WW bandwagon and I'm really trying to eat healthy (lots of fruits, veggies, but mostly fruits) and doing alright so far. What is your idea of the "healthy way"?

Sarah said...

Wow, Nan, thanks for sharing from your heart. It is so easy to feel like a failure in so many things...ugh! God is constantly redeeming us. It does sound like He is at the lead of your desire to eat for health. I am not sure what that looks like for you, but maybe there is someone, a person you can trust, that you can be accountable with...instead of a whole big program. I don't know...but I love you as you are, girl!

Ainsley said...

I'm not good at advice, but I can root you on... You go, girl! And I can pray for you, which I'll commit to do each day.=)