Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Broken Pot

They broke my pot. My pot! THEY broke MY POT!!! MY BOYS broke MY POT!!!! Not just any pot. This pot...

The pot that Jacob made for me at school from Mother's Day. The first Mother's Day gift that he has ever made for me. The one with his finger prints for flowers, leaves, butterflies and caterpillars. Yep. They broke my pot. I am not exactly sure what happened, but they were both there when it happened. I was upset. No. I was mad. No. Livid. Yes, I think that describes how I felt. I almost lost it. I told that kids that I had to go take a break because if I didn't, I was going to spank them, hard and bad. I know, not the best route. That is why I took a break. As I walked away, I started to cry. I was really upset that it was broken. Then the boys started to cry. They both have such tender hearts, that when I cry, they cry because they are concerned about me. Sweet. Breaking the pot, not so much.

So, I retreated to my bathroom and shut the door. My oldest wanted to come in and I told him not right now. (Turns out he went to his bathroom and told his brother the same thing. Is that good or bad??) I wept. I just sat there and cried. I kept asking the Lord why I was so upset about a pot. I mean, it isn't a very big pot, so it wouldn't hold very big plants, but I could start a tomato or something in it. It wasn't an "expensive pot." But, it was priceless. Why was I so upset though?

Prior to this happening, I had just been praying for contentment with our life right now. Lately, I have found myself wanting. Wanting stuff. Wanting to be able to do stuff. Wanting to be able to have stuff. Nothing major or even all that selfish. To be able to take the kids to a pool this summer. To have a membership to the aquarium so that we can go a lot this summer. A shelter tent so I can take the kids to the beach. Things like that. Again, not major or all that selfish. Money is very tight for us right now. It has been since we had our first child and I quit teaching to be home with him. My husband works very hard for our family and we are and will continue to trust in the Lord for his provision. Things are slowly starting to turn around for us. But not to the point that we have extra cash laying around. The mortgage business is having a little action for Hubby, but the money takes 30 to 60 days to come in. My lack of contentment and wanting to be able to have/do things with the boys doesn't help his self-confidence at all. He works a lot and hard for us. He is also a very hands-on dad. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. I am so thankful that the boys love him and that he adores spending his free time with them. I am truly blessed. There isn't much more that he could do.

So, there I am. Sitting in the bathroom, crying and crying out, trying to understand my ache.

I had just confessed my sin of coveting and sin of lack of contentment. I have a lot more time that I need to spend on my knees with regard to this, and a lot of time to be spent searching the Word to fill the holes that the lack of contentment has caused. But I am being broken. Broken like a pot.

I cried because that pot was precious to me. It might not matter to anyone else, but it was the best flower pot I had.

I think God used that pot to assure me of His love for me. He might have wept for me because I was broken. Wept because I am precious to Him. Wept because it hurts to watch the ones you love learn hard lessons. Wept because of the sin that I had let enter in my heart. Wept because I finally started to let go and allow the breaking to happen so that junk in my heart could get the heck out of it.

Thank you Lord for the beautiful picture that you allowed me to see. Thank you for the lesson. Thank you for your grace that sustains and the forgiveness that never ends. Your love endures!

Boys, thank you for helping me learn. Thank you for breaking my pot.

I love you boys.

I love you Lord.


Heather said...

it's so hard to be in that place of wanting and wishing! i'll pray for you and please pray for us...we WANT a baby and it's so hard to understand things at times. remember that you have the MOST important job in the world and money could NEVER buy back these precious years you are devoting to shape and mold your boys. i'll be praying!

Blessings From Above said...

Wow, beautiful post!

This really hit a cord with me. Thanks for making me stop and think.

Caroline said...

Nan, that was beautiful and from you heart. Now you have to let the Lord put you back together the way He wants to.