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Monday, September 28, 2009

Today...

Dear Jonathan,

Today, I wasn't the best mom for you. I wasn't even a good mom for you. I did a horrible job.
I didn't show you how to use self-control. But I still yelled at you for not using self-control.
I failed in teaching you about sorting rules in math.
I didn't delight in you.
See, not even a good mom for you today. I am fighting with my pride over it too. I don't want to be the one at fault. I want to blame you for waking up early, or Daddy for waking you up accidentally. I want to blame you for me not being able to go back to sleep at 6:15am. I want to blame everyone. But not me. The truth is that I screw up a lot. And this time, I hear the Spirit telling me that I have screwed this up today. I made the choice to wallow in my misery, my grumpiness, my anger, my frustration. I have made a choice not to get out of the pit that I am in today. I am trying to allow the Lord to soften my heart and change my attitude, but I am winning the battle that I so desperately need to loose.

Jonathan, I love you. I am sorry for not being the mom that God wants me to be for you. I am sorry for not loving you well today. I do love you. More than you will ever know.



Mommy
Our first trip to the mountains after Jonathan was born. Loved this photo!

3 comments:

Carrie said...

Love this post...Mommy guilt is a daily struggle for all of us imperfect mom's. I know this feeling all too well...Take a deep breath and know that no one is perfect and what a teachable moment you have turned a bad day into! You are awesome Nan! Heavenly Father knows your heart and He loves you for the wonderful mother you are! Thanks for sharing and reminding me that we are all human!

Holly said...

Girl -

each and every mother could retype this to her children... and myself, I could probably stand to say those things at least once a day (ok once and hour) to each of my children!

Don't let Satan get you down girl! God's given you all you need to do your job as Mommy! If He didn't trust you He wouldn't have give you the two wonderful boys you have!

Jennifer said...

We've all been there...don't beat yourself up. I am sure that he knows that you love him!