Well Monday evening went a little differently. As I stood in front of the mirror, I became very frustrated with my turtleneck sweater because it made my big boobs (sorry if any guys are reading this!) look even bigger and it hit at a place in between my hips and waist that wasn't flattering. I started to nit pick at how it looked, how I looked, how I felt. All the while Manly Man had told me at least twice how beautiful and wonderful I looked. I felt a moment of truth flood into my heart. I said aloud, in the mirror, "I am a child of God and that alone is enough. I might have big boobs, but I am still a child of God. I won't nit pick anymore tonight." It felt great. I felt peaceful. And I didn't criticize any more. That night.
As I learn to lean wholly on the Lord I was confronted with hard truth this morning. I wrote that I wanted to be healthy for the Lord. I have written about that a lot on this blog. A lot! The Lord asked me a question this morning. He said, "Do you really want to be healthy for me, or do you just want to look good for the world and for yourself so that you 'feel' better about yourself?" (gulp.) I confessed to Him, that I use health as a disguise. I told Him the truth...that I just wanted to look good, to fit into a certain size, to weigh a certain number. I asked for forgiveness. I also asked Him to help me to be comfortable in my own skin.
The irony of it all...Jacob's verse in Cubbies, at Awana this week:
I am...wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14
I do love that the Lord has a sense of humor, even though it doesn't always feel so funny!
3 comments:
out of the mouths of babes.
I want to be comfie in my skin too, I just want it to be a "smaller one"... preferrably without the stretch marks. I used to feel guily, vain... for wishing that. Maybe it's just us wanting to take better care of the temple God has us in.
Either way... you have to appreciate a good hubby that loves you because of who you are.
Nan,
I don't know if you remember me but I was Caroline's roommate at UNCG. I can so identify with what you were writing about. I am never happy with myself. I am in a constant battle and I just need to love myself because I am a child of God. I don't know why that is so hard. I wish I could see myself through my husband's eyes and most importantly God's eyes. Thanks for sharing so I know that I am not alone.
In Him
Heather
I want to believe that I am wonderfully made, but I question why I can't be wonderfully made in a smaller size. It is a constant battle. I didn't tell you this, but I have started getting up early (6:15ish) on MWF and doing the Firm. It is so awesome to be done with my workout by 7:30 and have the rest of the day ahead of me. Let's talk soon, I miss you!
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