A Kind Heart

Whenever Jonathan sees a dandelion, he must stop. It is almost a little compulsive. We were headed into the park on Saturday. Usually the boys run when they get to the grass. They both took off this time and then Jonathan stopped. He bent down and picked this dandelion and gave it to me. Just like he always does. As I sat on the bench and looked at the dandelion that he gave me and told me not to loose, I didn't look at it as "another dandelion." I chose to look at the heart behind it. My boy loves me. And I think, if he could, he would give me every flower he ever saw. One day, a young woman is going to snag my boy up and she will be blessed by him. Until then, I will treasure every flower he gives me. Because for now, I am the only girl for him:)

Back To The Grind

I have enjoyed a month off from homeschooling. We start back today. I am not sure how I feel about that. Some mixed feelings I guess. I am ready to get back to it so that I can finish the curriculum that I started back in August. The boys need some structure back in their lives. So do I. I am anxious about what to do with Jacob. He could give up his nap, but I really enjoy having a break from the craziness that is Jacob. I am debating starting to work with him on writing his name and just a few other things. Also, our schedule is different every day so I tried to find a time to have school, at the same time. The result? 1pm. Not really sure how I feel about that. But, at least there will be some consistency.

Our school schedule, in terms of the year, will be three months on, one month off and we will be having school Monday thru Thursday and every other Friday. I am hoping that this will allow for more time with friends, mine and theirs:)!

I have started back to Weight Watchers and will keep you posted on my weight loss progress. I am impressed with their new program...as long as I can embrace it. I am having some tests run and if there is anything to report, I will, if it is appropriate.

I am starting on the venture of reading through the Bible this year also.

My plate may seem full, but I feel really good about all of these things this year. The daily schedule of school might be the only thing that I am feeling iffy about. So, there it is!
Back to the daily grind!

Blessings!

More Truth

As I got ready to go out to a nice dinner with Manly Man on Monday night, I went through the "I hate all my clothes" song. Are you familiar with that you? I am. All to well. It never ends well. It has even ended in a change of restaurant destinations because all I could fit were a pair of jeans, not very nice ones either.

Well Monday evening went a little differently. As I stood in front of the mirror, I became very frustrated with my turtleneck sweater because it made my big boobs (sorry if any guys are reading this!) look even bigger and it hit at a place in between my hips and waist that wasn't flattering. I started to nit pick at how it looked, how I looked, how I felt. All the while Manly Man had told me at least twice how beautiful and wonderful I looked. I felt a moment of truth flood into my heart. I said aloud, in the mirror, "I am a child of God and that alone is enough. I might have big boobs, but I am still a child of God. I won't nit pick anymore tonight." It felt great. I felt peaceful. And I didn't criticize any more. That night.

As I learn to lean wholly on the Lord I was confronted with hard truth this morning. I wrote that I wanted to be healthy for the Lord. I have written about that a lot on this blog. A lot! The Lord asked me a question this morning. He said, "Do you really want to be healthy for me, or do you just want to look good for the world and for yourself so that you 'feel' better about yourself?" (gulp.) I confessed to Him, that I use health as a disguise. I told Him the truth...that I just wanted to look good, to fit into a certain size, to weigh a certain number. I asked for forgiveness. I also asked Him to help me to be comfortable in my own skin.

The irony of it all...Jacob's verse in Cubbies, at Awana this week:

I am...wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14

I do love that the Lord has a sense of humor, even though it doesn't always feel so funny!

Humbling

Today is Manly Man's birthday! Happy Day Manly Man!

I arranged for Grandma and Papa to keep the boys last night so Manly Man and I could go on a date! He was so surprised when I asked him to get the stuff out of the back of the van (their pillows and suitcases)! We had a wonderful date...we went to dinner and a movie and then for coffee. It felt really weird not trying to rush home. It felt really weird getting ready for our date and not having children around. It was VERY quiet in our house yesterday afternoon. It was the first time in almost 4 years that we were in our house and the boys were not...almost 4 years! We so needed it!

We have been wanting to see Fireproof since we knew it was coming out, but actually making it to a movie is very hard! We are always interested in movies that have firefighting in it. From Manly Man's perspective, they did a good job, overall. There were a few things we noticed, but all in all, the fire scenes were good. We chuckled at the firehouse humor, and were grateful that the language was MUCH better than it tends to be in a "real" firehouse. Manly Man has to deal with hearing the foul mouths every time he is on duty. It is hard!

We wanted to see the movie for other reasons...it is a Christian done movie, and as a few folks have said, it was well done and not "cheesy." We have also had our fair share of hard things to deal with in our marriage over the last seven years. We learned about the movie when we were going through one of those patches. We have been having honest conversations a lot in the past few months, which have been good, but hard too. Manly Man asked me if I thought that I loved him well. My answer was immediate, "No." I thought that I didn't love him well because I wanted him to meet expectations that weren't fair, especially since he wasn't made to meet them, or even told about them from me! I have been struggling with that the past couple of weeks. While watching Fireproof, I felt the Lord stirring in my heart. I didn't love my husband well because I didn't love the Lord well. It was such a resounding chord in my heart, that I knew it was from the Lord, not the enemy trying to attack me. I cried through most of the movie. I cry thinking about it now. I think that the Lord has been using the past few weeks to soften my heart so that I could actually hear from him! How wonderful that He knew what needed to be done, so that I could be ready to hear the message that I needed. Me loving my husband doesn't come from me...it can only come from an overflow of the love of the Lord. I am humbled now at my need for Him...I always knew that I needed Him, but I thought I could do much of it on my own! It is my prayer that I can lean wholly on the Holy One, instead of just saying that I do.

I am waiting for some answers from the Lord. Perhaps as I do lean wholly, I will start to hear a few more answers!

Are you leaning wholly on the Lord?

On Trying to be Quiet, and Thankful

I'll start with the "thankful" first...just one. My sweet Jakey...every time, and I mean EVERY TIME you give him a kiss, he rubs it in! Seriously! Could he melt my heart anymore than he has? Check him out trying to be all bad!

I have been trying to be still. To be quiet. To be. That is really hard with boys inside the house. And nasty wet weather outside. It seems that I long to "be still and know" in the morning, but it keeps getting upset by the rising children or Manly Man heading out to work. Last Thursday, I actually felt wooed out of bed by a still, sweet, and ever so quiet whisper, to come and sit with Him. It was truly beautiful. To just sit with a cup of coffee and Jesus. I have been trying to stop rattling off my concerns and requests to the Lord, whether they be for others or my family, and trying to listen, to feel. I am not sure what I am hoping for...a stirring in my spirit towards something, an almost audible answer spoken to my heart, a passion to be revealed. I just feel strongly that for me, right now, I need to just sit and listen. For now. Not for later. Now.



I may continue to be quiet in the blog world, as it can be a bit of a distraction at times. Or, I may use this as a tool to work out the stirrings whenever they may come. But for now, I will be quiet.

Blessings to you. And thank you all for your wonderful encouragement in your comments to my previous post! You are awesome!

Passion

I guess I have been taking a blogging break, trying to figure out what to blog, why I blog, and should I change anything up on the blog. I don't really have any answers. I sometimes feel like there are too many irons in the fire. I don't like that feeling. It makes me feel like I am not doing any of them well. I just want to have one thing that I think..."I do that well...I enjoy that...that is my passion." Anyone else feel that way? When I was a little girl, I danced. I started when I turned 3 and didn't stop until I graduated from high school. It was my passion. I was pretty good at it too. Classically trained ballet. I still LOVE to go to the ballet, but don't ever get the chance. I stopped dancing in college because I realized that I was doing it for me and I didn't want that anymore. I wanted the Lord to be at the top of my list, and He wasn't. He was up there, but not number one. I don't feel like He has given me "permission" to dance, other than in my kitchen, since I was 18. I think He knows that I am too approval based to be able to dance and NOT have it become higher than He is.
I feel lost when I think about what my passion is now. Some people read, scrapbook, run, cook. That list is great. But there isn't anything that I am passionate about on that list. I have a tough time watching others get "into" what they love. It makes me feel, as my Granny would say, "blue." You know, just a little sad. Sad that I don't have that. I think that I am going to be adding it to my prayer list. Manly Man has been asking me for years what I am passionate about, what I love and I have never been able to answer him. Guess I should have added it years ago huh?
My question to you: what are you passionate about, and how did you find it?

Thursday Thought

At Bible Study this morning, my pastor's wife, who teaches our study, gave us an amazing illustration regarding crucifying the flesh. I had to share...

"If we try to crucify our flesh, by ourselves, we can get one hand nailed up on the cross, but how will we get the other hand nailed up there?"

The point being, WE can't crucify our flesh, only the Holy Spirit can do that!

AMEN!!!